Growing up I found myself doing a lot of hiding, hiding from the switch that would be chasing my rear end, hiding from the fighting that went on in my house, hiding from pain and hiding from reality. I don’t think it was until I reached high school and got involved with church that those things hiding in the dark began coming out into the light. But for many years I still held on to most of my hurts and wounds, not allowing any one access to those areas of my heart. My senior year of high school and on into my freshman year of college I was dealing with a lot of issues. I had been wounded so deeply that I didn’t want to open up those areas of my life to anyone else for fear that I would only be wounded more deeply.
I began attending a more spirit led church and had amazing friends and older women who were willing to take me to the next level of my relationship and we began dealing with some of my past wounds. I was still very cautious as to whom I opened up to, but after a few years I felt comfortable with those that had been on this spiritual journey much longer than I and began opening up more. In 2005 I was introduced to AIM. At first I was hesitant. I mean, coming together to meet a group students and leaders I had only met through email wasn’t an ideal situation. Was I willing to do what God had called me to do and allow these people to speak truth into my life? I allowed myself to be real and to open up to my leaders, after all, what did I have to lose? What would one more arrow mean if it didn’t work out? By the end of the summer I was to move to Georgia with my team leaders.
My Kosovo leaders and amazing friends
Many back home didn’t understand why I would just up and leave. I had only finished 2 years of school, had everything planned out for my life and it just didn’t make any sense for me to up and leave. For a year I lived in Georgia surrounded by an amazing community of missions minded Christians. They allowed me room to be real, to by myself and to make mistakes. I was discipled, challenged and rebuked. During that time I learned what grace looked like, how to be open and vulnerable, allowing people to know what was going on in my life and helping me grow in those areas, and that life isn’t always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. The next year of my life was to be spent in New Zealand, living as a missionary, being discipled on the field as well as discipling others. Upon my return I had people ask, “What happened to the old Isabel? Where did she go? What happened while you were in New Zealand? You aren’t the person you were when you left!” God had changed me! I was now able to move past all those arrows that had been shot at me and bring healing to others that have gone through many of the same situations. I went on to co-lead a team to Swaziland that summer.
FYM New Zealand 06-07; my community and church for a year
I spent 2 years living in community with people with a heart for missions and willing to go deeper with me, pushing me beyond my limits and allowing me to see the potential I wasn’t living up to by holding onto my past. I was terrified of returning back to Abilene, to the college life, to making new friends and to people that thought I had up and left without consulting God before making such a drastic decision. I knew that God had changed my heart, but were others around me going to be able to notice that change?
It was a rocky time for me. For the first few months I wanted to hide under a rock, or my room, and only come out for class. I allowed myself to somewhat go back to my former ways because that is where I found myself most comfortable. There was a struggle inside. I knew that God had more for me, but I wasn’t allowing those things to take place. I spent most of my time in the theology building taking all my Bible classes feeling as though I were a phony. I knew all the church answers, after all, I’m a missions major. I’m supposed to know these things. But my heart was grieving. I wanted more than church answers. I longed for the community that I left. I wanted relationships with others that understood what it was I was going through. And all this time I felt like God was no where around. I wasn’t finding Him at school, I wasn’t finding Him at church and I wasn’t finding Him at home either. I felt like an alien everywhere I went.
Those I had opened up to just a few years ago spoke to me mostly in passing. What happened? I thought that church was a place to go to for healing and understanding but instead I felt condemnation and confusion. I know my life isn’t perfect but is it supposed to be held against me? For sure I thought I could run to church for protection. And yet I didn’t find it there. All the while God was beside me, wanting me to run to His Church. Not a building, but rather those He has placed in my life that are willing to go deeper with me, challenge me and push me. When I do call they ask why it has been so long. The enemy wants me to believe that they were in my life only for that season and don’t want anything else to doSo much of me wants to stay the closed up hermit I was just a few years ago, but God continues to pull me out, moving me from one home to the next, showing me glimpses of His church and allowing me to be a part of it all.
Isabel, love is for real.
You are loved by fallible, messed up people who love you imperfectly and you are loved by an all wise, all good, unchanging God who IS love.
Thank you for sharing so honestly.
Will we see you later this month?
LOVE in Christ,
Debi