Two months into living here, and I’m learning so much. Even within my first few weeks of living here, Kloe and Kaylynn–the girls I nanny–were teaching me things I had forgotten years ago. Events that have happened in my life have jaded my outlook. They have taught me that it’s not safe to love people, to trust them, to be open and vulnerable. Rather, I have learned how to build walls around my heart and reinforce them with steel and concrete. I don’t easily love people because of the painful memories associated with opening up and loving people in the past. To me,
love = pain.
How then, do I live and love people? I can’t seem to allow people in to love me and I definitely don’t want to love people for fear of hurt and rejection. From the beginning Jaci told me that I was part of the family, that she loves me (even in knowing all my junk), and she would sacrifice sleep to stay up late at night talking to me. It’s been a process for sure, but God is softening my heart and I am beginning to love people again. This may sound strange, especially in our culture. We throw love around and hand it out like it’s candy. Oftentimes we don’t stop to think that love is more than a word or a physical act, but there is so much emotion behind loving and being loved.
Vulnerability laughter
joy safety
LOVE
comfort
sadness
grief
frustration
These are only a few emotions associated with love. They are an expression of what happens when we love people. They affect us, how we act, who we are…I guess I should get back to my original thought though. Within the first few weeks of me being here, Kloe told me something. “Miss Isabel, I love you.” Of course the first thing that went through my mind was, “she’s 3…she doesn’t really know how to love me or why does she love me.” And then she comes up and gives me tons of kisses and hugs to show how much she loves me. I kept asking God why she would love me or if she even knew what love is. And He told me, “Isabel, I am using Kloe to teach you to love again. A 3 year old isn’t going to hurt you like you’ve been hurt in the past. Embrace her love and love her back.”
Slowly, I am learning to love. I am receiving love that others have to offer. I am tearing down those walls that I have fortified over the years. I am not only believing that I can love and be loved by others, but that God loves me too. Cheesy, I know, but to actually believe and grasp that
He LOVES ME
It’s huge. And I’m still trying to grasp it. Yes there will be times when I’m hurting or in pain from opening up my heart and loving people. But there is also great joy and happiness that comes with loving and being loved.
Three months in Italy… say less!
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