I just might be one of the worst bloggers. It has taken me 6 months to post one small blog, and I haven't even finished writing it! There has been so much that has happened, and while there have been struggles and difficulties along the way, the Lord has continued to be just who he is, my rock, my refuge and my help in time of trouble.
At the end of 2011 I found out that I had been accepted into Baylor's nursing program. On my 27 birthday I realized that I wouldn't be able to attend, mainly due to financial reasons. That was very much a disappointment to me and a decision that I grieved about for some time. After all, this was what I had been working towards for so long and it just seemed to slip right through the cracks. I guess devastation could be a good word to describe the state of my heart. I moved onto plan B…work at a hospital and have them pay for my education. Of course this had issues as well. I hadn't been certified to work in the health industry since I lived in Abilene back in 2007. But in order to be recertified I had to pay a minimum of $600. That just wasn't something I had laying around. Plan C: get a job working as a temp somewhere, save up money to get recertified, get in at a hospital, then have them pay for my nursing degree. I was quickly becoming overwhelmed at the idea of all that needed to take place for my plans and dreams for my future to come true.
By God's grace and close friends, I was able to land a temp job at an oil and gas company. But the corporate world scared me. I had only worked non-profit before this, had never had experience with oil, gas, land, minerals, deeds, leases, 401ks, W9s, plats, staking, drilling, building…the list could go on. I felt like a fish out of water. It wasn't too long into my time as a contract worker that I was asked about coming on full time. That was a terrifying decision for me. I knew that in accepting this position I would be further away from my goal of nursing, being debt free and returning to Swaziland. So the question became: who am I serving? What is foremost in my mind?
Ministry as an idol…who would have thought? I remember hearing constantly in church to serve others, serve the church, in your community…but if Jesus is out of the equation, then what are your motives? Mine weren't really set on sharing the gospel everytime my mouth opened. It is so easy for me to serve others, to share in their pain or to meet physical needs. But how do you go about removing ministry as an idol and place God as the thing I worship and glorify? I don't have the answer. I'm still trying to figure this out.
God is not my vending machine. But so often I run to him as such. What do I mean by this? I found myself running to God for freedom from ________. You name it, it was probably in that blank. I was running to God for his benefits, not because I wanted him. I turned recovery into an idol. Just like I had turned ministry into an idol. These things aren't bad, but I had elevated them over God. Ministry and recovery, and people and my past. I was in recovery for others and not because I wanted to be closer to God. But rather to say I went X amount of time without doing Y. It took me falling down again to realize that recovery had become an idol of mine.
It's easy to sit around and talk about my struggles and difficluties. But what about bringing glory to God? Everyone has issues, everyone has bad days or dark seasons. But does this discount what the Lord is doing in my life at this time? The simple answer is no. But the reality is that I fail at acknowledging how the Gospel has played out in my life, how it continues to play out in my life. When God becomes beautiful you just want to be there. And this plays out through life. You speak of what you care about and want to invite others into that enjoyment.
