Some days I think it would be easier and more entertaining
to have my film on life. The school year is coming to an end, so I only found
it fitting to try and recap all that has happened over the year. Some of this
may sound repetitive from previous blogs, but this season has been quite
difficult for me to walk through and the Lord has been teaching a lot to me
along the way.

I’ve learned from previous re-entry attempts what has worked
for me and what hasn’t worked so well. I have learned that before I make it
back to the States I must have goals and boundaries set in place. I wasn’t all
too sure what that would look like moving to a different city, going to a
different school and not really knowing where I was going to live. I did the
best I could at setting goals and boundaries, praying the Lord would grant me
the strength and willpower to walk in line with how he has called me to live.

While I haven’t failed at re-entry, I have had to work
through new sets of struggles. The Lord has brought me through a very difficult
season of trusting Him in all things, no matter what.
Believing that I am worth
fighting for

Every year I
think I’ve finally conquered one habit or addiction, that I’ve finally got
things down and that I know what it means to have a relationship with him. But
this time around, returning to Texas, I was hit hard in the face with reality.

I returned to America during a bad economic time, and no
matter how hard I tried, I could not find employment. I had to trust that God
would provide all my needs. Since I moved back into the dorms, I had a place to
sleep and food to eat. That’s what God promises us, right?

One day I remember talking to one of my good friends. Life
was getting to me. I couldn’t believe that I was actually back in America, everything
was piling up on top of me and instead of running to God, I chose to run in the
opposite direction. I was sitting outside the dorm, trying to remain as
composed as possible, but couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I finally broke down and told her… "I have
a warrant out, I have African sicknesses, one of which could get me kicked out
of the dorms, and no money to pay for school or life. My spiritual life is
almost non-existent and I really can’t deal with being back home right now.�
She told me, “Is…I can’t help but laugh right now, and one day you will too.
You’ll look back at this moment and laugh at it, telling your grandchildren
about the year you returned from Africa and your world seemed to be falling
apart. I know it may not seem like it now, but the Lord is working in your
life. He is going to show up in amazing ways and it is going to be awesome to
watch!�

I was not encouraged. Instead I found myself wallowing in self-pity
because

                      it was easier to cry

“woe is me� rather than,

“God I trust you, no
matter the situation, I trust you.�

The Lord continued to reveal himself to me, and I tried to
keep running. I tried running so far away. And then I found myself sitting in
the darkness. I felt all alone, I was struggling through life, struggling with
depression, frustrated at having to live back in America when my heart was in
Swaziland, but knowing that I was in no shape to minister to people. I was
hurting and broken. I was in the pit.

January I began going to a home group through my church. I
know I’m mentioned them before, but they have been such an encouragement to me.
They are my sanity throughout the week, being real about life, not trying to
hide their imperfections and allowing people to hurt along the way without
judgment. This semester was difficult. I felt like I was being hit with one
semi after another, grasping for anything other than God in my life. I was
living a very idolatrous life and didn’t want to look at that idolatry. I
didn’t want to look at the blackness of my heart. I didn’t actually want to
admit that I was not following after the Lord in this season, especially since
I was attending a Baptist university as a ministerial student and a missionary
to Africa. It was not ok to be struggling, questioning the Lord’s call in my
life.

And then things changed.

             I began trusting people in my life.
             
                       I began seeking accountability and spiritual authority.
             
                               I started examining
those hardened spots in my heart,
             
                                        breaking down the walls
                                                  one
                                                       by
                                                          one,
                
                                            revealing
the scary parts
                                           
                                                            and

allowing the Lord to heal those places and soften my heart
to those around me.

I began recognizing and fighting for my worth and who the
Lord has created me to be. Once I began walking with this new realization that
    God saved me because
   He LOVED me
and not because of anything I have done, it
was like a veil was lifted!

I remember the night this change happened. It has been a
process for sure, but this one night I remember so clearly. I was beating
myself up for giving in again, allowing the lies and temptations to win. I was
terrified to tell my friend because of a previous conversation. I was afraid that if
I opened up to her then I would end up disappointing her and being rejected
again. But I opened up, I allowed her into my world, still holding on to the
fear of rejection. And I knew her response was from God. She stood there, embracing
me and telling me that she loves me because the Lord loves me. She loves me,
not because of what I do or don’t do, but because of who I am. Hearing those
words (even though I have heard them before) meant so much.

The Lord has been working on my heart and because I am
allowing this to happen and I am actually dealing with the junk in my closet, I
am finally able to accept who He has called me to be, I am able to receive love
and acceptance from others around me.  I am excited about this season of my life, of the Lord
mending the broken places and tearing down the old walls. I am excited to get
to a place of healing that I can minister effectively to others around me.
While I know that I can minister out of my brokenness, I have come to learn
that obedience to the Lord means being in a healthy place and in a healthy
relationship with Him.