Another year. For many, a time to make resolutions and to begin anew. I'm not a big resolution making person since I'm sure to break it by the end of January. I would like to share some highlights as well as some hard times that have happened over the past year.
Highlights:
I began the year in Puerto Rico withmy former roommate and great friend Hilda!
I found a home group to be a part of
God's continual provisions
Began a mentor relationship with a 4th grader from South Dallas
I was able to drive with my best friend and her 2 babies from Wyoming to Texas and back to visit her family.
Healing in relationships
Acceptance into nursing school-huge step even though it's not yet happening
Living with Tim and Jaci continues to bring about good changes, even when it's difficult truth to hear
Walking through recovery with a close support network
Some difficult moments:
The death of my aunt from a brain tumor
Being a college graduate and unemployed
The many doctors visits and procedures without many answers
The death of my great uncle from lung cancer
A difficult start to 2011 which continued throughout the end of the summer. Not sure how to better explain this one without writing a novel. But what began as a year of being closed off and walking through a season of depression, the Lord violently pursued me through relationships. Learning to be open and vulnerable was not easy, but definitely needed.
As I sat and began writing both the good and the bad, I realized that even the difficult moments pale in comparison to others. The Lord has been so gracious to me and it is because of Him that I'm where I am today. I pray that even in the difficult moments there will be times of remembrance. That instead of returning to my old ways I would run to God and see his goodness. That is my prayer for you too. That you will be encouraged and remember to run to him in our times of need. I love you all!
Learning through pain isn't something I enjoy...I guess no one really enjoys learning through pain though. I've been meaning to fill you all in on my most recent news. As the end of the semester came around, it became quickly apparent that Baylor would not be included in my spring schedule. When the realization finally sink in, my heart broke. I felt devastated, as if God had taken something away from me. But what I've learned over the past few weeks is...God didn't really make the promise of Baylor for the Spring a promise to me. That was my interpretation of what I strongly believed he had told me to do. I had held on to this idea of becoming a nurse, and in becoming a nurse things would finally begin to come into play.
Devastation occurred.
Not any physical devastation. Only that which is in my heart.
The pride of being a Baylor Nurse on my first application...broken
The hope I had in being the savior of my family...Really Isabel, you are not Jesus you cannot save your family. Only JESUS can.
I've learned that putting my hope in things other than Jesus can be quite painful. I get so caught up in the here and now, seeing all the pieces coming together for the next step to my dream job. But though this process I never stopped or acknowledge the bells and whistles, closed doors or lack of an available sign language class.
What would have happened if I stopped, examined, and realized that the path I was going down was definitely looking less and less like the correct avenue.
I know that the Lord didn't say no. And he's not this cruel being that likes to give you things and quickly take them away. He loves giving good gifts, but always in his timing, not my instant gratification sinfulness or my heart.
So I've had to hang Baylor up on the hat rack and seek after additional guidance.
I'm not exactly sure where to begin this story of mine...
About 18 years ago, before I was aware of the reality of "a missionary to Africa," I remember telling my mom that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. Who really wants to grow up to be a missionary to Africa? What happened to being a veterinarian or astronaut or even a teacher... Nonetheless, that was a desire the Lord had planted in my heart and to this day it is something that is still being played out.
Fast forward to 2003. It was my senior year of high school, it seemed like my life was falling apart all around, me and it was time to make a decision. 1. Join the Navy 2. Go to college 3. Follow the family tradition of starting a family (I love my sisters and their kids, and I am so very blessed to have them in my life!). I ended up following option 2. I moved to Abilene to attend Hardin-Simmons University. There were many good times, many bad times and a lot of God kicking me in the butt. I started out at as a Pre-physical therapy major, but had pretty much given up on life and school. My first semester's GPA was something like a 1.4. In short...this was BAD. I had to bring my GPA up or I would be on academic probation. And then I became a music major.
2004 was the first time I had ever left the country. I went with my college group to Ireland and was absolutely blown away. Through my church I was also able to go to Mexico and Israel. That stirred up those desires I had suppressed about being a missionary to Africa. One afternoon in Mexico I was laying in my tent, spending time with the Lord and journaling about all that I had been experiencing. I remember that was the moment I had felt "the call" to missions. I didn't know what it would look like or how it was going to happen, but missions was my goal.
2005 I went to Kosovo with Adventures In Missions. I took a two year break in my schooling to hopefully get more of an understanding of what life should look like, what the Lord desired from me and how to go about doing it (as well as pursuing missions). I lived in Georgia, helped out in the office, built many relationships and experienced God's amazing grace. The following year I went to New Zealand for 9 months. I loved it. I loved serving, sharing Jesus with others and loving on them. But I knew that the Lord was pulling me back towards school.
2007 I returned to Hardin-Simmons and tried to pick my life back up where I had left it. (That didn't work out so well). I felt like I had more of a direction in life, just wasn't sure how to accomplish this goal of mine. I wanted to finish up school as quick as possible so I could get back to doing missions. I changed my major again to Missions, but was taking classes that led to me getting into nursing school.
And then 2008 came, and I ended up co-leading a massive team to Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. I had no idea what the Lord had in store for me, but looking back, it has all been a part of the learning, training, growing and seeking process. So many things happened in that year. (On top of my leading responsibilities, I also thought it brilliant to take classes online...not so smart on my part).
I returned to Texas in 2009, this time attending Dallas Baptist University instead of HSU. There were different reasons for this, but my end goal was to finish up all the classes I couldn't take online, return to Swaziland as staff, and finish up my education at DBU through online classes.
And as many of you know, it is the middle of October 2011. I am still in Dallas and not in Swaziland. My heart remains there and when I see pictures of the faces, run into people that know Swazi, or just moments I'm able to catch up with some of my team, I am reminded that my time here in Texas is a time of teaching, healing and training. I finished up one degree and went right into more school. There were classes I needed to take so I could get into nursing school and that's where I am now. I had applied to Baylor University's nursing program. It's one of the few 4 year nursing schools in the area, and after visiting the campus, I knew that was where I wanted my education. I applied back in April and heard that I was on a standby list in June. There was somewhat of a disappointment. However, this wasn't a no. I'm convinced Jesus likes to reveal things to me in his timing since I tend to be in control (or live in the allusion that I'm in control).
Then some of the greatest news came. I had started to become discouraged that I hadn't heard back from BU, but I knew there was nothing I could do to change this decision. On Wednesday I received a phone call while I was in class (no I didn't answer it). Then I received an email that popped up and said, "Congratulations. I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the nursing program."If I hadn't been in class, I would have been doing the biggest happy dance one could imagine me doing.
I realize I have just given you a novel. I have tried to sum it up, but I felt like I needed to provide a background of how the Lord has brought me back to him. I am going to nursing school. In January I will be enrolled and will be a nursing student. It's still surreal to me, but I'm so excited! There is still quite a bit I need to get done (and it has to be done before November 15), but the excitement about this next chapter in my life outweighs the overwhelmingness that wants to creep up. It's like I've known the "ending" of the story, but I have been working my way through the rest of the story. I know there is still so much more that can be written, but this is a lot of writing already (and I could keep going).
Thank you all for your prayers during this time. I can't believe nursing school is right around the corner!!!
I'm supposed to be doing homework, however, I have decided to reward myself by blogging (and resting my brain from the overload of Statistics).
When I first moved to Dallas and began attending The Village Church, I found out about an organization called Champions of Hope. This is a mentorship program based in South Dallas. There are many mentor type programs in the area, but this one is...
1. Faith-based: All our mentors are Christians and are upheld to a signed statement of faith. 2. Long-term commitment: We ask our mentors to mentor a child from the 4th to the 12th grade. 3. South Dallas: We are solely focused on reaching children in South Dallas. Our mission and desire is to see individual and community transformation in the South Dallas/Fair Park neighborhood. We are currently targeting children in the Lincoln High School feeder schools. All of our energy and efforts are focused on this one community to see lasting, generational change in the years to come. http://www.championsofhopedallas.org/
Like I said, I heard about this about 3 years ago. But because of the long-term commitment (and my plans of being back in Swaziland by now), I was hesitant to make this commitment. The opportunity of attending a mentor training session came up. So I went up to the church to find out more. The Lord had placed this organization on my heart 3 years ago and it's still there. Could I have been pouring into the life of a South Dallas youth for these years? Probably, but I also realized that the Lord has been bringing me through a time of renewing my mind, refreshing my spirit and drawing me closer to Him. In my years of ministry, I have above all learned the importance of having my foundation in Christ. This is the only way that I will be able to continue in ministry. Ministry outside of God's strength has proven to be draining, frustrating and overwhelming. There was no way I could jump back in and pour into others when I felt so broken, lost and detached.
Not that I have all my ducks in a row, but in the season I am currently walking through, God has given me a desire to pour out to those around me, to walk in Biblical community, to walk under spiritual authority and to move beyond the fears that have been holding me back. Only Jesus is the one that has produced this change within me (and it's still a work in progress).
I am so excited about this relationship that will soon begin, not only with my "mentee," but also with her family. I have no idea what this is going to look like, but I'm in it for the long run! Please be in prayer for this new relationship, that the Lord will be the foundation and for safety and wisdom while I'm in South Dallas.
Alexis gave me this school picture from last year.
Many days I feel like a slacker. I have a blog and have been told I'm awesome at expressing myself in writing (but trying to get me to talk is a ridiculous process). I guess there are times that I'm not sure how to even verbalize all that is going on in my life or in my head. There are so many things I could talk about...maybe this will motivate me to blog somewhat more frequently than once every other month.
Earlier tonight I was on my way to meet a 4th grader in the south Dallas area. She had signed up for a mentorship program, and I happen to be her mentor! Tonight was my first time meeting her. I also met her mother, grandmother and a few of her siblings. I'm sure I will be sharing more about her as time goes on. I would like to share a short story about my way to her house.
For those not familiar with Dallas...it's massive. Even though it is "one" city, the demographics change within a block or two of each other. South Dallas is an area of town that was once a prime location to live. Now there are condemned homes/apartments right next door to those being lived in. I don't make it a point to drive into south Dallas too often, especially as evening approaches, but tonight was different. I met up with the staff of Champions of Hope, a mentorship program based in this area, and proceeded to follow them to the house of my mentee.
On my way to this house, there was a man standing on the side of the road. When I first saw him I thought he had been rolling in mud...all I could see was a deep, dark brown. Different thoughts came flooding in, including the thought, "I must be back in Africa." I knew that he hadn't been rolling in mud since Texas is still very much in a drought, and it hasn't rained recently. The State Fair of Texas has been open for a week now. There were many people I passed on the way standing along the streets so my next thought was he was part of the show. And then it hit me. This man was standing on the side of the road...completely naked. And I do mean COMPLETELY. I had to do a double take to confirm what my eyes had just seen. I was surprised and shocked about this situation. I don't normally see naked people walking around inner-city Dallas (or anywhere for that matter). And right after the shock came a deep, grieving pain from within. To be in a place in your life where standing completely naked on the side of the road in south Dallas...what has this man lived through to be in the position he's in today? How far do you have to fall until you get to the point of standing naked on the side of a busy road? He looked lost and confused.
I too felt lost and confused about the situation. What do you do in these moments? Jesus calls us to reach out to those around us, serving them in biblical community. Immediately this passage came rushing to mind. Jesus was asked, "When were you naked, hungry or imprisoned? Lord, I didn't see you there." His response was simple: "When you see your neighbor in need, naked or hungry, that is me. When you don't feed them, you aren't feeding me" (Isabel's almost 3am paraphrasing). I can't remember the last time my heart grieved the way it did for this man, exposed for all to see. It's as if, "I'm finished" came early to him tonight. Was this his bottom? There was a big part of me that wanted to stop and talk, and then the sensible Isabel stepped in and suggested that was not a wise idea...single girl in the middle of south Dallas...I had absolutely nothing to give him. By the time I had come back around, he was gone. I'm not entirely sure what it was I would have done to help him. And I'm pretty sure if I were a guy, I would have been more willing to stop and help. But if he were still there, would I have stopped? Did any one stop or did everyone drive by and laugh? Was he arrested for public indecency (there were lots of cops all over the area) or did he wander off?
So what happens in future situations like this? Will I stop and help or will I keep on driving by, acting like I hadn't seen the brokenness and devastation in our world today? Or will I stop and live out my life the way God had called me to? What would you do?
There are many reasons I love my church, but one of them is the desire to reach the city of Dallas, starting in our own community. There is a middle school right across the street from our church, and it has been the prayers of many original church members to get involved and to pour into that school. The time has finally come. One of the greatest things is the partnership with many of the school authorities (including the former principal, the new principal as well as the assistant superintendent of Dallas schools). I cannot even begin to explain the overwhelming response from our church body to reach out to the community.
Here are a few numbers:
There were 638 volunteers that made this day possible
1500 members from the community
900 backpacks filled with school supplies donated for many children that would have otherwise not been able to purchase these items.
I'm almost certain that 95% of those that came were hispanic!
Only a portion of the backpacks ready to be passed out to the community
Wow...if ever there were a time I wish I knew spanish, it would have been that day. Some mothers came up to me and began speaking and my brain had to go into translate mode...And it wasn't all that great.
Free services offered:
Lunch
Dental check-ups
Blood pressure check
Diabetes check
Hearing test
Haircuts
Backpacks
School registration
Nutritional information
Family photos
and of course some activities for the kids!
We had some bounce houses, face painting and other "carnival type" activities. My favorite activity available were of course the bounce houses. However, since it's so stinking hot here in Texas, we have broken records for the high temps AND we've had one of the worst droughts Texas has had on record, we pulled out the water hoses and had the ultimate "slip-and-slides." The kids loved it. It really was like being at a mini water park.
And finally I'll get to the work done at the school. There were so many teams ready to conquer the day. We were divided into three main groups: painting, cleaning and construction. The change from before to after was HUGE! Fresh coats of paint, clean lockers and classrooms and a book storage room with new shelves. Not to mention a welcome desk created for the entryway. Our missions pastor went for a walkthrough near the end of the day. Some teachers were there setting up for the start of class that happened yesterday (Monday). One teacher stopped the pastor and asked, "Why have I been seeing all these people, so happy about cleaning and painting our school? I don't understand why they are all so happy." And he was able to share the gospel with her. Praise God!
Painting the bottom half of the cafeteria RED!
The other half of the cafeteria is complete!
Bookshelves ready to be booked!
But there's still so much that needs to be done
Sorry for the poor picture quality...I didn't have my actual camera with me.
The visit with the infectious disease doctor brought strange relief. 1. Found out that I don't have extrapulmonary TB (mainly to convince my GI doctor that I don't have intestinal TB). 2. I don't have to do any more TB treatment (at least for the time being).
Last week I had 2 procedures done. One was a small bowel x-ray. I drank 2 containers of nasty, chalky barium (some radioactive material that lights up the x-ray). I found out yesterday that this too came back normal.
The other procedure was a 2nd EGD or Esophagogastroduodenoscopy. I had one of these done in December of last year but it came back normal. I don't know the "official" results from Friday's EGD and biopsies were taken. Like last time, inflammation was seen in my stomach. Unlike last time, I have ulcers (some on the verge of healing) as well as a hiatal hernia. This is where a portion of my stomach has pushed through a hole in my diaphragm into my chest. The doc didn't seem too worried about it...and I'm still not too sure my feelings or even know if I should be worried about this. I have a follow-up visit with my doctor at the end of the month.
This is all of the information I know currently. Thanks for your prayers! I am grateful for all my prayer support, friends and family! Your encouragement is overwhelming.
One last praise/prayer request. I've been looking for employment and haven't been all that successful. However, I received a call from DFW airport for a group interview. I was called back for a face-to-face interview with the managers this past Tuesday. I feel somewhat confident in this past interview and I'm hopeful in receiving a callback from them. I should hear from them next week. This would be a huge blessing and relief from being unemployed.
Some of you know this, some may not know. I've been struggling with my health since being back from Swaziland. It began while I was in the country living with Pastor Gift and his family. My body wasn't used to eating how the Swazi people cook causing my digestive system to go crazy as well as an undiagnosed "lung infection." It got to the point where I couldn't keep anything in my stomach ultimately leading to a drastic drop in weight. I came back to Texas and living in the dorms helped me put some pounds back on, however my system just hasn't been the same. I've spent a lot of time in doctors' offices, trying yet another medication to mask the symptoms, have undergone CT scans, gastric emptying tests, different types of "-oscopies", stool samples, blood work and all the doctors come back to the same thing. There is nothing wrong. This has been a source of frustration for me. I'm 26 and have something like 15 prescriptions for various symptoms. The majority of my labs and tests have come back normal (or negative) except for maybe a few things here and there...nothing major. I've had some suggest that it is all in my head, or that I'm not believing in God's healing power and I am beginning to believe that I may just be crazy. I have another appointment in the morning with an infectious disease doctor. I'm praying that I will find a doctor knowledgeable in African parasites or illnesses. My medical bills are stacking up for "negative results" and I'm exhausted in all aspects of being poked, prescribed and being told I'm fine from various doctors. Please pray with me (or for me) that the doctors will be able to figure something out. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
I'm playing a bit of catch up with my blogs, so you might receive many from me this week. Over spring break (I know I'm late in writing this, but I figured now is better than later!) I was able to fly out to Atlanta. One of my good friends was having a baby shower, and I hadn't seen her since her wedding in 2008. It was a great time of rest and fellowship with her and her family. They have always been so hospitable to me and while I did live in Georgia, they were like my adopted family.
I'm sure Joy will love me for posting this...but apparently I missed out taking a better picture of us.
Georgia represents a time of my life that was filled with a lot of good things as well as a lot of painful growth. I lived with some amazing friends that showed a lot of grace and weren't going to give up on me. Of course in my stubbornness, I wouldn't allow their wisdom, loveand grace to sink in. Returning to Georgia brings up the good and the bad. I remember driving the roads, listening to the same CD on my long drive after work, begging that the words that were being sung would be the cry of my heart, that I would stop giving into temptation, stop living in sin and begin living like who I was created to be
A DAUGHTER of the King.
A Beautiful woman.
Consecrated to God.
Set apart from others.
Praying with some guys on the street. Providing them with lunch, some personal hygiene items and clothing if they needed it.
Anyway, back to Spring Break. It was a definite blessing to be able to visit my dear friends as well as a newer friendship that developed from our co-leading experience in Swaziland. My friend moved to Atlanta completely in faith because God told her to. She got hooked up with this awesome ministry in Atlanta, ministering to the homeless, addicts, and anyone they came in contact with. This was my second time to visit The Garden, but since Atlanta wasn't a layover this time, I was able to spend some more time with Melissa and get to minister alongside her again. She holds me accountable, won't let me get away with my junk, is a prayer warrior and a constant source of encouragement.
When we get together anything can happen. I love my dear friend and wish I could be ministering alongside her again!
I'm constantly reminded of how easy it is to be a missionary or Christian in a different country, culture and people that are hungry for more of Christ. But ministering to people in America is different. Many have heard of Jesus, have had some painful experience with Christians in their past and would rather not hear about Jesus YET AGAIN. As I walked the streets of scary Atlanta where drug deals are taking place all around us, old rundown buildings have been condemned and lives that have been reduced to what they have on them, I praised God that he intervened and saved me from a life of homelessness, addiction, and everything else that could have happened. Don't get me wrong, my life hasn't been full of butterflies and rainbows, but the reality of the situation is I could be right there. There isn't much difference between me and them, except
I have Christ in Me!That is what matters. Nothing else. I am just as sinful but have been bought by the blood of Christ.
Ministering to those in Atlanta was a stretch. I had to confront my old self over and over, with Satan trying to get me to fall back into the traps of shame and guilt over my past, and minister to the broken through my brokenness. I praise God for his redemption in my life. I wish I could be more diligent in ministering to those around me, the community that God has placed me in right now, and in a way I guess I do...just not the type of ministry I see as "ministry."
I figure enough time has passed for this to be something I can now laugh about. A few weeks back I was at a conference my church was holding. After one of the sessions, we went into a time of worship. I found myself struggling with the idea of another "mountain top" or "spiritual high" experience and actually desiring a relationship with Christ that isn't spurred on by another Christian conference. I prayed that I would have a real experience, on that isn't based on a church event. I prayed that this experience would be evident of His love for me. Later on I even prayed that He would break me, mold me, and refine me in ways that wouldn't leave an ounce of doubt in my mind. I prayed that God would even knock the air out of me. Who prays this? Well, here's where his sense of humor kicks in.
I had plans to stay closer to our Flower Mound campus since it's quite a drive from Grand Prairie. (For those not familiar...the DFW area is HUGE. It's referred to as a metroplex because there are so many suburbs and other cities it's difficult to distinguish one area from another. So while I live in "the metroplex" it still takes a bit of time to travel to certain areas.) My plans changed that evening and so I decided to head back to my house to sleep. I was about 20 minutes out from the house when I looked into my rear-view mirror and saw flashing lights. Awesome, of course I'm going to get pulled over. The state trooper pulled me over for speeding. He asked if there was a reason i was going 71 in a 60, and I told him the truth. I REALLY needed to go to the bathroom. (I have an undiagnosed medical problem that makes anything that goes into my body to come right back out.) I handed over my license and insurance. He told me that he was going to let me go with a warning. So he walked back to his truck and I sat in my car. I broke down from relief. And then it hit me like a brick wall. The warrant that I had taken care of hasn't been removed. Of course I didn't know that for sure, but I knew that was going to be the case. So the trooper came back to the car, asked me to step out and explained that I had a warrant on file. I knew I had taken care of this issue back in 2009 after returning from Swaziland. I have receipts but that didn't seem to be enough proof needed to keep me out of Tarrant County Jail.
To keep this blog somewhat short, I'll get to the point of how funny God is. I prayed for God to break me and to use whatever real life experience necessary to draw me closer to him and to know that He loves me. And then I was sitting in the trooper's front seat heading to county lockup. It was an interesting experience, one that I don't ever want to experience again, but I saw God's grace through the little moments.
On my way back from the conference it was like I had hit a brick wall of depression. It was a constant battle to refrain from "my hidden addiction." I was integrating all the little tools of healthy coping mechanisms, going to the Lord in prayer...all the things I've been equipped with. God intervened by putting me somewhere without access to negative coping mechanisms to keep me safe.
I was given my own cell which was a HUGE blessing. I could finally use the bathroom and with some sort of privacy. (Huge blessing.)
God used people close to me to reveal how much he really loves me. And for them allowing God to speak to me through them is something I can't even begin to explain. I just knew that God had heard my prayers and met me where I was. Such a beautiful thing to experience.
I only had to spend one night in jail, didn't receive a ticket for driving 11 mph over the speed limit and now know for sure that my record has been cleared (something very important to get into nursing school).
These are only a few things that I am able to rejoice over from that weekend. God's love is unending and his grace is more than I deserve. God has put me in a place where I see his constant love and support from others. He has placed me in this suburb of Dallas for a time of healing and drawing me back to himself.
