Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 7/5/2010
Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.
Two months into living here, and I'm learning so much. Even within my first few weeks of living here, Kloe and Kaylynn--the girls I nanny--were teaching me things I had forgotten years ago. Events that have happened in my life have jaded my outlook. They have taught me that it's not safe to love people, to trust them, to be open and vulnerable. Rather, I have learned how to build walls around my heart and reinforce them with steel and concrete. I don't easily love people because of the painful memories associated with opening up and loving people in the past. To me,
love = pain.
How then, do I live and love people? I can't seem to allow people in to love me and I definitely don't want to love people for fear of hurt and rejection. From the beginning Jaci told me that I was part of the family, that she loves me (even in knowing all my junk), and she would sacrifice sleep to stay up late at night talking to me. It's been a process for sure, but God is softening my heart and I am beginning to love people again. This may sound strange, especially in our culture. We throw love around and hand it out like it's candy. Oftentimes we don't stop to think that love is more than a word or a physical act, but there is so much emotion behind loving and being loved.
Vulnerability laughter
joy safety
LOVE
comfort
sadness
grief
frustration
These are only a few emotions associated with love. They are an expression of what happens when we love people. They affect us, how we act, who we are...I guess I should get back to my original thought though. Within the first few weeks of me being here, Kloe told me something. "Miss Isabel, I love you." Of course the first thing that went through my mind was, "she's 3...she doesn't really know how to love me or why does she love me." And then she comes up and gives me tons of kisses and hugs to show how much she loves me. I kept asking God why she would love me or if she even knew what love is. And He told me, "Isabel, I am using Kloe to teach you to love again. A 3 year old isn't going to hurt you like you've been hurt in the past. Embrace her love and love her back."
Slowly, I am learning to love. I am receiving love that others have to offer. I am tearing down those walls that I have fortified over the years. I am not only believing that I can love and be loved by others, but that God loves me too. Cheesy, I know, but to actually believe and grasp that
He LOVES ME
It's huge. And I'm still trying to grasp it. Yes there will be times when I'm hurting or in pain from opening up my heart and loving people. But there is also great joy and happiness that comes with loving and being loved.
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 7/5/2010
Sorry for the delay in blogging, so much has been going on since I last wrote, and I'll try to condense all that the Lord has been teaching me over the past few months. Or maybe I'll blog over a few days.
As an update, I am still living here in Grand Prairie with my home group leaders, acting as a live in nanny. There was an awkward transition period in adjusting to living with a family again, especially one that I haven't known for very long. The girls are a challenge, but the Lord gives me strength every day and the wisdom I need in teaching these two precious girls. Tim and Jaci have been such a blessing to me. They have opened up their house to a stranger, trust me with their children, and pour out their love when none was really expected. We adopted a black lab puppy from the pound just over a week ago. It's been fun and interesting to learn life with children and a puppy...teaching and training them both!
With our new puppy, Leon.
My best friend of 13 years made a surprise visit to Texas. I knew she was coming down, but no one else did. I was able to spend some time with her and her daughter and was excited to see her daughter's first steps. We went back to our home church since our youth pastor and his family are moving into a different season of ministry. It was great to be able to meet up with some old friends I hadn't seen in years!
Rebekah and her daughter Sarah, me and Keith Coleman-youth pastor at FBC Granbury
I am still serving as an intern at The Village Church, but only go once a week. The relationships I have built with the office staff seem to be growing and I am blessed to know each of them. The longer I am in Dallas and living in the community I live in, the more God changes my heart towards loving the people of Dallas.
This is the first summer in 3 years I haven't been in Swaziland. It is difficult for me to be here in Dallas, serving, loving, growing andlearning--instead of being in Swazi serving and pouring out love to those that are hurting and yearning for so much more. Some days are easier than others, but everyday my heart breaks for the day I can return to Swazi and to my family I left there.
I went down to Lake Travis near Austin with the Langhams. This was the view of the lake and it was gorgeous!
The Lord is teaching me a lot and I am still trying to process it all, but I hope to share with you some of what I have been learning over the next few days (or weeks).
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 5/23/2010
There has been a lot going on and because of that, I have been bad at my weekly joys. Instead of two separate posts, I decided to combine weeks 7 and 8.
Week 7
I was able to get back up to the church and volunteer! I was blessed by two of the staff members and they encouraged me!
I finally finished moving in! Now I am settling in to my new room.
School is over for the semester...I passed all of my finals and my classes and I have only 1 more semester of school left before I graduate!
My mom came to Grand Prairie for a mother's day dinner and spent the evening with my friends.
The Lord has given me some amazing friends that support, encourage and love me!
A few of the families that have been at Dallas Life a while have moved out or are moving out. It is both great news, but also sad because I won't be able to see them any more.
Had breakfast with the girls from my hall. This was the only time all semester we have had breakfast together. The breakfast itself wasn't all that great, but getting to spend time with them was fantastic!
The girls I'm nannying are a joy and a blessing! We have little adventures everyday!
Home group is always a blessing and something I look forward to weekly.
My niece had her 10th birthday and I was able to go down for a visit!
Building a house with blocks at Dallas Life
It was Gabby's birthday cake but her little brother was so excited and didn't want to wait for a piece of cake so instead he was sneaking icing off the sides!
Week 8
I went to Granbury for my mom's 52nd birthday celebration!
Found out that I received a scholarship that will help immensely in school.
Went in for my labs to check my liver functions and they are doing great!
Along with a healthy liver, I picked up my last prescription of TB meds! Less than 90 days left of my meds!
I find myself continually challenged by those in my life that hold me accountable and speak truth.
I am no longer driving on a donut! My tire was repaired and put back on my car for free!
Jaci and the girls brought me breakfast in bed! I was definitely surprised and filled with joy!
The Lord is continuing to bring healing and restoration to those broken places in my heart and life.
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 5/12/2010
I want to apologize for my lateness in getting this blog posted. School has been wrapping up and finals were this week, so I'm just now remembering to post this for everyone to read.
I'm in the process of moving into the Langham's house. I will be nannying for them over the summer and I'm excited about this opportunity!
My room is mostly finished...just need some paint and it'll be beautiful!
I brought the girls to campus to feed the ducks and the birds...they ran away from us, but it was still fun.
Hilda caught a couple of butterflies!
My niece turned 10 this week. It's crazy how the time flies by.
For our last outing, some of the girls on the hall went to the Ft. Worth Botanical Gardens. It was great fun and we took so many pictures. I'm blessed to have them in my life this year.
I was inducted into the honor society here at DBU.
Went with a few people from my home group to watch Iron Man 2. It was a fun time.
Since it was my niece's birthday, I was able to go to Granbury and visit my family. Hilda and the Langham's came down and met my family too. We had an interesting evening with the kids and everyone meeting each other.
I love my roommate! She has been such an encouragement to me all year. I'm definitely going to miss her this summer!
I had a DQ Blizzard! I love Blizzards :)
The girls at the gardens! I made them pose for a lot of pictures, but it's cause they are so beautiful! The one in the tree is my favorite!
The girls were excited to be feeding the ducks, but the ducks weren't too excited to be eating the bread until we backed away. (Below) She was trying to feed the ducks bird food, and a lot of it!)
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 4/30/2010
Went to church and picnic with my home group leaders and their girls! I love them
Some good friends had their baby!
Found out another couple is pregnant!
God's grace shown through people around me
School is almost over!!! Less than 2 weeks and I'm almost finished with all of my assignments!
Being able to spend time around children again. I am reminded of the small joys of life as I watch them in their innocence.
Encouragement from friends and being able to actually receive those compliments
Turned in my Application for Graduation! I will be graduating in December of this year. Praise God!
God reveals himself to me in little ways...sunsets, families of ducks, puppies, music and friends
Solidifying summer plans and knowing that God is in the midst of it all
Got to hear one of my favorite bands/singers at school, a very refreshing time with the Lord
BSM leader thank you dinner...mmm...fajitas!
Being able to encourage and pray for my friends that are tired and hurting
All semester the girls on the hall have had a "secret sister" that we have been giving notes of encouragement and gifts to. Last night we revealed who we had and spent some time celebrating the end of the semester together!
Posted in Community by Isabel Maldonado on 4/30/2010
Some days I think it would be easier and more entertaining
to have my film on life. The school year is coming to an end, so I only found
it fitting to try and recap all that has happened over the year. Some of this
may sound repetitive from previous blogs, but this season has been quite
difficult for me to walk through and the Lord has been teaching a lot to me
along the way.
I’ve learned from previous re-entry attempts what has worked
for me and what hasn’t worked so well. I have learned that before I make it
back to the States I must have goals and boundaries set in place. I wasn’t all
too sure what that would look like moving to a different city, going to a
different school and not really knowing where I was going to live. I did the
best I could at setting goals and boundaries, praying the Lord would grant me
the strength and willpower to walk in line with how he has called me to live.
While I haven’t failed at re-entry, I have had to work
through new sets of struggles. The Lord has brought me through a very difficult
season of trusting Him in all things, no matter what. Believing that I am worth
fighting for
and
recognizing that NOTHING is too big for God
Every year I
think I’ve finally conquered one habit or addiction, that I’ve finally got
things down and that I know what it means to have a relationship with him. But
this time around, returning to Texas, I was hit hard in the face with reality.
I returned to America during a bad economic time, and no
matter how hard I tried, I could not find employment. I had to trust that God
would provide all my needs. Since I moved back into the dorms, I had a place to
sleep and food to eat. That’s what God promises us, right?
But what about all
of my other needs?
What about insurance for my car, my phone bill, and not to
mention my medical bills…Month after month, the Lord provided in unexpected
ways. Friends, family and supporters gave more than willingly to help me out
during this time. Refund checks were coming in after I had completely forgotten
about them and I was blessed. I just didn’t realize it yet.
One day I remember talking to one of my good friends. Life
was getting to me. I couldn’t believe that I was actually back in America, everything
was piling up on top of me and instead of running to God, I chose to run in the
opposite direction. I was sitting outside the dorm, trying to remain as
composed as possible, but couldn’t hold it in any longer. I finally broke down and told her… "I have
a warrant out, I have African sicknesses, one of which could get me kicked out
of the dorms, and no money to pay for school or life. My spiritual life is
almost non-existent and I really can’t deal with being back home right now.”
She told me, “Is…I can’t help but laugh right now, and one day you will too.
You’ll look back at this moment and laugh at it, telling your grandchildren
about the year you returned from Africa and your world seemed to be falling
apart. I know it may not seem like it now, but the Lord is working in your
life. He is going to show up in amazing ways and it is going to be awesome to
watch!”
I was not encouraged. Instead I found myself wallowing in self-pity
because
it was easier to cry
“woe is me” rather than,
“God I trust you, no
matter the situation, I trust you.”
The Lord continued to reveal himself to me, and I tried to
keep running. I tried running so far away. And then I found myself sitting in
the darkness. I felt all alone, I was struggling through life, struggling with
depression, frustrated at having to live back in America when my heart was in
Swaziland, but knowing that I was in no shape to minister to people. I was
hurting and broken. I was in the pit.
January I began going to a home group through my church. I
know I’m mentioned them before, but they have been such an encouragement to me.
They are my sanity throughout the week, being real about life, not trying to
hide their imperfections and allowing people to hurt along the way without
judgment. This semester was difficult. I felt like I was being hit with one
semi after another, grasping for anything other than God in my life. I was
living a very idolatrous life and didn’t want to look at that idolatry. I
didn’t want to look at the blackness of my heart. I didn’t actually want to
admit that I was not following after the Lord in this season, especially since
I was attending a Baptist university as a ministerial student and a missionary
to Africa. It was not ok to be struggling, questioning the Lord’s call in my
life.
And then things changed.
I began trusting people in my life.
I began seeking accountability and spiritual authority.
I started examining
those hardened spots in my heart,
breaking down the walls one by one,
revealing
the scary parts
and
allowing the Lord to heal those places and soften my heart
to those around me.
I began recognizing and fighting for my worth and who the
Lord has created me to be. Once I began walking with this new realization that God saved me because He LOVED me and not because of anything I have done, it
was like a veil was lifted!
I remember the night this change happened. It has been a
process for sure, but this one night I remember so clearly. I was beating
myself up for giving in again, allowing the lies and temptations to win. I was
terrified to tell my friend because of a previous conversation. I was afraid that if
I opened up to her then I would end up disappointing her and being rejected
again. But I opened up, I allowed her into my world, still holding on to the
fear of rejection. And I knew her response was from God. She stood there, embracing
me and telling me that she loves me because the Lord loves me. She loves me,
not because of what I do or don’t do, but because of who I am. Hearing those
words (even though I have heard them before) meant so much.
The Lord has been working on my heart and because I am
allowing this to happen and I am actually dealing with the junk in my closet, I
am finally able to accept who He has called me to be, I am able to receive love
and acceptance from others around me. I am excited about this season of my life, of the Lord
mending the broken places and tearing down the old walls. I am excited to get
to a place of healing that I can minister effectively to others around me.
While I know that I can minister out of my brokenness, I have come to learn
that obedience to the Lord means being in a healthy place and in a healthy
relationship with Him.
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 4/24/2010
I feel like a slacker this week, especially with keeping up with my joys. So much has happened, especially with school winding down, but I'll try and remember this weeks joys!
Pulled 2 all-nighters (and was able to accomplish some homework)
Starting to babysit to help some friends out
Received a call saying that I'm hired on campus as long as "I'm approved" from the higher ups.
Finally was able to spend some time catching up with my dad and my mom.
I absolutely love my home group and seeing the Lord work in the lives and hearts of all that are a part of it.
Only 3 more weeks of school
Saved 3 lives this week by donating my blood
Hilda and I are sponsoring an Indonesian boy. He's so precious!
Spending time listening to the Lord and what He is calling me to do. In waiting for him, he reveals so much to me and blesses my obedience along the way
I love the relationships I'm building with people in my hall, on campus and definitely at my church! I know that God has placed me here for this time and I wouldn't want to take it away for anything.
There is definitely a lot that I need to get accomplished this week, so you can be praying that the Lord gives me wisdom and the words to write for my assignments, grace needed for my finals and studying for them, alertness and a sound mind, and the energy needed to finish out the semester with some sort of sanity left!
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 4/18/2010
Prayer requests are being answered for good friends
I potentially have summer employment and a place to live over the summer
My oldest nephew got accepted into a charter school
Monday's I go with a group of students from school to Dallas Life Foundation--North Texas' largest homeless shelter--to spend time with the kids. There were many kids as well as many students from DBU there to help out.
A few of us from my hall went and spent a few hours with some ladies at a nursing home. We met some pretty funny ladies
Wednesday the seniors were honored at the Ministerial Fellowship Luncheon...and I'm a senior! I got a free mug too!
I turned in 4 scholarship applications, maybe 5...this week
Hilda and I discovered a fantastic Italian restaurant. Then we walked off our dinner looking at books in Barnes and Noble!
I have such an amazing home group!
School is winding down...only 25 days left!
The Lord continues to use my story to speak truth into lives of others in similar situations
Today I finished month 6 of my 10 month Latent TB treatment...only 4 more months to go! And there haven't been any side effects so far.
Every day the Lord gives me strength to make it through another day. Realizing that each day and each breath is a gift from God changes the way I look at things.
These are only a few pictures from our time at Dallas Life...maybe next time I will be in some of these!
Posted in Texas Time by Isabel Maldonado on 4/11/2010
Week 2
Hilda and I went to Panera Bread as a celebratory dinner (cafeteria food gets the best of us sometimes)
I had a job interview on campus this week in the Admissions Office. If I get this job then I have a place to live over the summer.
Getting caught up with homework assignments (there were many of them)
Seeing all of the bluebonnets on I-20! I forgot how much I actually missed them.
Being a small part of a bigger picture at Dallas Life
I was able to spend Easter Sunday with my family.
I absolutely love my home group. They have become a family to me.
Beginning to see God's love through people around me
Having a group of people that I can be real with and that hold me accountable
Beginning to recognize the cycle of insanity I've been caught in and through God and community, I am working my way out, even if it is one 'no' at a time
