"It's okay not to be okay, just don't stay there."

 

I hear this term or phrase or some variation of this every week and I see it played out in every day lives. How does this happen? Especially in a church or Christian setting. The church I attend is big on open doors. No one is turned away because of their lifestyles, vocations or baggage. Instead, people are welcomed in with open arms and doors, literally. There is always a way to get involved and plugged in, ways to serve in the community and globally. 

 

Last semester was very difficult for me. I went from being in constant ministry in Swaziland, to college life in Dallas, Texas. These are two very different roles. I knew that if I didn't get involved with a church body then it would be easy to stay away from church my entire time in Dallas. I visited a few churches, but the one that stirred my heart surprised me. It's a very large church, or at least larger than I've ever attended. How was I going to get involved or meet people? Was I really going to be able to build relationships in a church so large or was I going to be another face in the crowd? I'm usually fine being behind the scenes and unseen, but the entire Fall semester my heart was longing for community. I went to church every week, and yet I found myself longing after more. I was a hermit. I spent all my extra time looking inward to my selfishness. 

 

I knew something had to change. In order for me to move forward in what the Lord has called me to do, I had to get involved with community. I had to have accountability in my life. I had to open up and be real and vulnerable with people around me. Was I really ready to make the change necessary or was I going to continue fulfilling my selfish desires?

 

I found myself in a multi-generational home group with people from all stages in life. I attend a women's Bible study, and I'm going through Recovery at The Village. Outside of the once a week church attendance, I have community, I have accountability and I have people to do life with, even if it is for only a few hours a week. Each group offers something different. Each of these studies are much needed in this time of my life. At first I was wondering if I was going too far with getting so involved, and have often thought about dropping out of one. But the Lord has not allowed me to do this. He has given me women and men to speak truth into my life, as well as challenging me in pursuing the Lord. In order to pour into others I have to first be filled with more of Him.

 

So how does this all tie in? In many Christian environments, it is NOT okay to not be okay. We have been trained to believe that as Christians our lives should be perfect and problem free. And out of this, hypocrisy is born. We wear this mask, making everyone around, believers and unbelievers alike, believe that we have it all together, that we are immune from the troubles of this world. But the truth is, behind all our masks, we lose ourselves, we lose sight of the Lord, we stumble and fall...a lot.

 

So this idea of "it's okay not to be okay, just don't stay there" is very relieving. It takes a lot of pressure off once one really grasps this. God doesn't want a future version of ourselves, He wants us just as we are, in our filth, as a mess...He is not surprised by anything we do or don't do. He is all-knowing before time began. He formed us and He loves us. He loves ME now. Not me when I have it all together. I guess the thing that I love so much about this church is that even the pastors are open and honest. The pastors shepherd us along, while being real and not trying to appear as something they are not. They go through Recovery, they admit when they have failed us, they don't deny having sin. There is no pedestal to separate us. We are all part of the Body of Christ and have been called to walk this journey together.

One day, my roommate and I were planning on waking up early to work out. We both laid in bed, waiting for the other to get out for motivation. From above, I hear Hilda tell me, "It's snowing." So we agreed to go back to sleep. She had a class to wake up for, but the only thing I had planned for the day was my internship at my church. After getting out of bed, she said, "Isabel, it's really snowing!" I mumbled, "yeah, ok..." in my half awake, half asleep state, knowing that it wasn't real snow because I live in Texas...and it NEVER snows here--at least not real snow! By the time I dragged myself out of bed to begin my day, I looked out the window and I'm pretty sure if I were on the first floor I would have climbed out and played in the snow right then. However, the second floor is too high up to try and exit from. I called the church to let them know that I wouldn't be making the nearly 30 minute drive through the "treacherous" weather. They weren't going to be open anyway. Throughout the day I continued checking to see if my 3:30 class had been canceled. All I really wanted to do was play in the snow with my friends!

Between their classes, we went and played in the already 6-7 inches of snow after bundling up. The snow was not letting up. It kept coming down! I had never seen this much snow in north Texas!  So here are some pictures from our snow day.

We hit a record for the most snow fall in one day EVER in this area, at 12.5" and they stopped measuring at midnight but the snow still kept falling! It was amazing!  Our white chapel was barely visible with all the snow that continued to fall. We made snow angels, had snowball fights and enjoyed the snow while it kept coming! By the time I returned to my room and checked the status of my class again, I found out that I was FREE for the day! I didn't have to do anything and could still play in all the white fluffy stuff! It was gorgeous and we all loved being kids again! I hope you enjoy my snowy adventurous day as much as I did...and this was also the first time I've EVER had to dig my car out of snow!

I have found myself in the midst of a home group trying to do life together. We only meet once a week, but in that time we hold onto this core value of being a biblical community: "We were created to need each other, to exhort one another, avoid isolation, to be consistent and authentic. A biblical community is a place to confess sin and to share joys and sorrows. We are all hear and all bring something different to the table." I have been part of communities of various kinds over various times. One of the reasons I moved into the dorms on campus was because I knew I needed that community. After spending the past year with a group of people serving in southern Africa and seeking after the Lord together.

As I have mentioned, last semester was pretty rough trying to re-enter, adjust to school again, and seeking after this biblical community I have missed. After spending last semester in what seemed like a big mud pit, I decided to try and drag myself out of it. Of course this means that absolutely nothing I do will get me out. I chose to live in isolation and to avoid a consistent and authentic relationship. I avoided being real and vulnerable to those around me because I was afraid to begin a relationship that I knew would be ending by the time I return to Swaziland.

I decided to find a home group. At the time I was merely looking for one that was somewhat close to campus since I am unemployed. Even though I have only spent two weeks with this group of people, I feel that the Lord has brought us all together to be biblical community. He has brought us together to share our joys and sorrows, to confess our sins and to exhort one another. I can't say that I'm excited about all that a biblical community entails, but I'm definitely ready to get out of this mud I keep swimming in. I am excited about this opportunity to be challenged and to live in community with a group of strangers.

"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Ephesians 4:25

A couple of weeks ago I went to a state park with my sister and her family. After cooking hot dogs for lunch and avoiding the hooks from the kids' fishing poles, we decided it was time for a hike. We stopped at the front desk to see if they had a map for the trails and soon enough we were on our way. However, the trail we chose wasn't very clearly marked. Even though we had this map, there were times that we had no idea where we were. We thought that we had found the correct trail and then ended up with fallen trees surrounding us. In my head I kept saying, "Maybe we should just turn around. I at least know how to get back to the place we started." But we pressed on. The sun was setting, there was no trail to follow and the trees were all around us.

 

 I am the kind of person that likes to know the plan. I like to know what I'm getting myself into, what is expected of me, and have some kind of idea about the outcome of the situation. And I realized in the moments of "being lost" that I wasn't alone. Sure I didn't know how to get unstuck, but neither did the rest of my family. We needed each other to get from where we were to where we needed to be. That day still sticks in my mind so clearly. I try and try to get out of this place of unknowing, this place of being lost by myself. I feel like I'm being led astray many times and then I find myself surrounded by all of these trees and no sign of a way out. I have been there spiritually over the past few months. I have struggled through this re-entry phase, feeling lost and alone, secluding myself from the Body of Christ and wanting to go back to the place I started. But that is not the place that the Lord has called me to. He has called me to go on this adventure with my "family" (those that I find myself living amongst) and to keep pressing in. The end is near and it is going to be beautiful. Of course there are going to be times I want to give up, and I have tried. But I have had many patient friends that have challenged me along the way, encouraged me to keep fighting and pressing through.

I could have stopped and thrown a pity party, but that would have gotten me no where. In order to see the goodness that was waiting for me at the end of the trail, I had to keep pressing forward. I had to choose to say, "I am not going back to that place, I am going to trust the Lord during this time even when I can't see a way out, and I am going to walk in community with other believers. There is no other way out. There is not a magic pill that can take away all the problems or worries, there is no EASY button, but there is a God that is there waiting beside you, ready for you to give over your control, to help guide you along this journey that may be jacked up. But beauty and redemption are at the end of this trail. There are no more ashes but instead the Son that has been excitingly waiting for you to make your way to Him.

I'm still working on getting to the end of this path. I am definitely still struggling on this path I am on, but I know the promises the Lord has given me and I choose to hold onto those promises. Each day holds something new and it would be easy to throw my hands up and say, "game over" but the Lord has called me to something bigger. He has called me out to speak truth into the broken places, not only in my life but in the lives of girls all around me.

I feel like I've been on this journey for a long time now and things are actually coming into place. After I was asked to return to Swaziland as staff, I was planning on being in school for a semester then finish up online, returning to Swazi in February 2010. Unfortunately, one of my classes I need in order to graduate is only offered in the class so I am in Dallas for another semester. I feel like there is a lot happening this semester (forgive me for speaking in semesters, but that's how my life usually happens) and over the next few months. On top of school, one of my classes is an internship at a location still to be determined and I am trying to mentally prepare for my last remaining months in Texas.

 

My goal is to be back in Swaziland by the beginning of June, but in order for this to happen, I have to have 100% of my support either pledged or in my account. Currently I am right at 30%. I haven't been as diligent in my support raising for various reasons. This should not be an excuse, but things have been difficult these past few months. The Lord has provided everything I have needed, but each month is another month He asks me, "Will you still trust me? Do you believe that I am who I say I am?" It's been 5 months since I've been back in America. These have been some very difficult months, being jobless, trying to pay for school, being in school, treating my African ailments I returned with as well as adjusting to America. Support raising has been on my mind, but not at the forefront. I have been talking about returning to Swaziland for so long and before I know it, June will be here. Some of you are already supporting me financially. To the rest of you, my prayers are that you will seek the Lord for where He might have you in this ministry partnership with me. I can't do this alone. I am not only asking for financial support, but I am asking for your prayers.

 

Swaziland is a difficult place to minister in because of the death and destruction that is all around. But in the midst of the death, God is breathing Life. In the middle of the destruction He is bringing Restoration. When I look into the eyes of the children I see His hope. I see a group of people that are hurting and recognize that the Lord is their provider, their healer and their comforter. My heart is in Swaziland. My heart has been in Swaziland long before I had ever stepped foot there. I know that the Lord has great things planned for this country and these people. They have been lost and forgotten by man, but the Lord knows each of them by name and He has called me to help speak up for those without a voice, and to make others aware of the forgotten.

 

If you are interested in supporting me financially, click on the Support Me link to the left and in the staff name put my name: Isabel Maldonado. If you are interested in supporting me prayerfully, please send me an email letting me know. While one time donations are greatly appreciated, I am in need of monthly supporters. I love you all and I am praying for you!

These women impacted my life more than I even realized. They allowed me into their lives and trusted me with their families and themselves. They came to me for help and my eyes were opened to situations much larger than my own. Since being back in Texas, I have found out that two of these women have passed away. Every time I went to visit Dudu was a challenging experience. But on good days she had such a beautiful smile!

I know these last few posts were a little random, but it's definitely hard to sum up a year's experience in less than 20 photos. I pray that the Lord blesses you and your families and that you reflect upon the true meaning of Christmas today.

 

Just for fun...

This time last year I was surprised by 10 cans of Dr. Pepper in South Africa! It was fantastic!!! (Thanks Faith!)

Living in Nsoko was an interesting experience as well. My team had already left and I moved in with Pastor Gift and his family for the summer. For the first few weeks I was the only non-Swazi in the area, but I learned a lot about the Swazi culture. The youngest daughter wasn't a fan of white people and would run away from me and cry every time she saw me. Eventually though, I was one of the few white people she would let hold her. I loved the family and was very grateful for them allowing me to spend time working with them and learning from them.

 

 

Swazi church is definitely something I miss! Many days I found myself being the only white one in the congregation and many times I wasn't really sure what the message being given was about. But listening to the the church members worshipping the Lord was such a beautiful thing!